I’m an advocate for making sure every person knows they are special and worthwhile. Despite their flaws, insecurities failures and all. If I had a theme to the story of my life that would be it.
Motherhood felt especially hard when I knew it was healthier to be divorced rather then married. The process was life-changing. I had held on to the marriage not wanting to hurt my boys, but I was grateful for the strength I found inside of myself to move forward. I love family. I think holding tightly together is the best, but sometimes it doesn’t work out.
I had no job, no money, no house and it’s funny how when things go wrong it just piles on. I felt like I was balancing the weight of the world on my head, while juggling, and standing one legged on a tight rope over a hot fire. I was doing all that while not dropping the focus from my boys. We were close to toppling over into the fire. Me more than them, but guess what? We actually survived! And not just survived we thrived.
Joy came to me and my boys not from one event, but many small footsteps. With time I healed, and we thrived through love. I learned I was worth something, and through God I’m enough. I stopped beating on myself. I let go. I became free and happy.
I remembered I had a mouth to smile with, Ears to listen with, feelings to feel with. I heard laughter and silly comments coming from my boys that I had previously blocked out. I felt little feet stomping around with little angry voices yelling and crying. I realize just because the madness was happening, doesn’t mean I’m raising crazies that will destroy society. And even if they were crazy I would always love their crazy.
I began to live in the moment. Love the adventure of life. I realized I’d rather climb a rock and risk falling then never experience it. Or go camping and have it rain rather then stay home. Or walk out in public mismatched. My point: it’s OK to not be perfect. I like that the world around me is not perfect.
I began to lay down footprints on an unknown path, and was OK with it; footsteps of self worth. Footsteps of unwavering love for everyone and their uniqueness, taking steps to serve again when I mentally couldn’t for years, I have become whole hearted. I have a free soul. A soul that came from God, and I knew I was lucky to have two little heaven sent souls.
I look into my boys’ eyes and I feel genuine joy. It radiates through me and into them. They know they are loved.
Loved by an in-perfect mom that they accept perfectly.
And I have Joy.
This story has been edited for clarity.